HOW TO STOP HAVING BAD SEX
HOW TO STOP HAVING BAD SEX
6 minute read • by Elsa Moreck
There is a way to never leave the bed unsatisfied. How? Do just that. If we don't leave the table hungry, we shouldn't leave the bed horny.
In an ideal world, we wouldn’t have to say anything. We would all be orgasm specialists; mind-readers with mood-setting superpowers and perfect equipment. But this is real life, where premature ejaculation and desert clits are no strangers in our bedrooms.
“It’s not kosher to discuss sex.” You think. I get it. I’m Arab for fuck’s sake. It’s not kosher to acknowledge that anything below my waistline even exists!
Regardless of cultural background though, when we’re new to a relationship, this topic is hard to broach. Ironically, we’d rather run a test drive and return the car, than have a simple conversation about sex. Worse, perhaps, we’d rather “let the problem fix itself.” After the many honest conversations I’ve had with married women, I’m convinced, the problem never fucking fixes itself; it amplifies.
Still, let’s be real, it’s awkward to discuss. In film, the popular motto is: “show, don’t tell.” I see this as a mantra for certain taboos. While honesty and openness serve us in most cases, there are subjects that simply exist outside the socially appropriate realm. And as much as we’d like to be brash and cause an uproar, our hardwiring doesn’t make this a particularly easy or effective feat. Talking about sex extensively can destroy the enigma passion requires.
So how we you have better sex without having a detailed conversation about it?
There are several cues after sex, for instance, such as a sigh of relief to indicate coming down after climax, leaning over for a kiss, or even a question: “how was that?” or “did you like it?” Each of these cues is an opportunity to gracefully indicate pending needs. Instead of answering with assurance that you just had your mind blown, you could gently admit you haven’t climaxed yet.
It’s honest, but it isn’t accusatory. It simply states a fact. There was a need, and that need still exists. What to do?
If no such opportunity exists to share the discomfort, then we can take matters into our own hands (literally) which communicates our need for us. There’s little left to interpretation when the person you just had sex with is now masturbating.
The natural inquiry to follow is why? An inquiry that then opens the floor to honesty, and allows us to see how this partner will handle it. Do they leave us to the task uninterested in the outcome, or do they join the effort?
If during the act it feels too excruciating to bare such raw thoughts, perhaps we could discuss it afterwards. When we’re both in a comfortable spot to talk and we’re fully clothed, a conversation about pleasure can be steered in the direction of exploring what turns us on, along with the other intricacies of our sexual nature.
Do we want more talking or less? Do we want to feel dominated or do we want to be in control? Do we like certain positions more than others? Do some positions hurt?
You might still feel like such talk is unnecessary, but what is left vague doesn’t disappear. It builds up silently until it explodes one day. Sexual frustration, beyond the physiological effects it has on us, can impede how we feel about our partners. It can make us resentful, and it may inspire us to look elsewhere for our needs down the line.
There are extreme cases in which a frank conversation simply won’t cut it. Some people have fetishes and/or fantasies that we can’t wrap our heads around, or verbal/physical tics that are too close to home to address (an annoying moan or voice, for example). Chances are, you can still mention these things and bring them to awareness, but it may bring more hurt than resolve. In these cases, there is a difficult decision to be made. How committed are you to this bond? Are you willing to push through to see if with time you can look past these annoyances and adjust?
This may take some mental training. Ultimately, in relationships the motive is to accept our partners as they are, not change them. You’d be surprised how much of our external experience is shaped by the internal. A relationship is a connection, and if you have a strong connection with someone, you see them as a whole person with multiple parts. You’re attracted to who they are in life, not merely how they are in bed. By appreciating your partner and becoming more open minded towards their sexuality, you may actually come to enjoy them intimately too. Moreover, it takes time to create a sexual rhythm in a new relationship. This is exploratory territory, and you won’t discover it all overnight. We live in such an instant world where everything feels interchangeable and temporary. But a human being is never interchangeable.
However, if we’re not getting what we need even after we’ve nudged our partners in the right direction, then something’s not right. A delicate balance has to be struck by speaking up when there is something that can and should be changed. There’s no reason why someone who loves foreplay should be forced to forgo it, or why anyone should endure a painful position amid the existence of a Kamasutra.
There is plenty of variety in sex to accommodate nearly all tastes. Thus, having courage to get what we need from this vital part of a relationship is our responsibility.
Finally, let us be attentive to each other. Are they enjoying what we’re doing? Look at their face, is the expression genuine? Is there disinterest? We can also give each other subtle cues, like saying “please keep doing that.” It’s direct and gives the other person a compliment and a sense of direction. “Tease me please,” is another one. You’d be surprised how easy it is to say these things in the moment when both of you are heightened and pleasure is your top priority.
Yes, women fake orgasms. But we hurt ourselves by doing it. Our agreeableness and eagerness to please is precisely what kills our erotica. We sacrifice our pleasure until we no longer crave sex, then we have a real problem.
Sisters, you don’t need to moan if you’re not enjoying it. Remember that. And if the absence of your involvement strikes up curiosity, even better. That’s what you want, to make the obstacle known. It may require more challenge and creativity to turn you on, but you are worthy of the effort. Don’t expect anyone to know what you want. Hell, we barely know what we want, is it really fair to expect someone else to?
We get married later in life now, which means more sex with more people, and more items added to our sexual menu. It’s easy to forget that such information is not readily available to new partners. Hence, we save each other a lot of guesswork by directing these interactions. Loving ourselves is caring about our sexual desires and ensuring they are fulfilled.